How to Ruin Your Life in 10 Easy Steps

As someone who is always reviewing the burgeoning  trends in the psychology of self-help and wellness, I have noticed there is  plethora of good instructional material on attaining a better self but  very little written on the art of ruining that self. Which got me to thinking, if people are going to ruin their lives anyway, at the very least they should be well-informed in proven methods of doing so properly.  Sure, it's a niche market I am trying to fill, but who said that the only good advice is the stuff that appeals to the masses. Surely there are some blissfully happy people out there who are sick and tired of being so blinking well-adjusted it nauseates them. I know it nauseates me just thinking about them. So it is for you sickeningly well people I have designed this amazingly simple programme. I introduce it with my sincerest reassurance that you too can join the rest of humanity and ruin your life in ten easy steps. So here goes:

10. Blame everyone else for your problems.

As long as you externalize and project your problems on to someone else, you can never find a way to solve them. Find no fault in yourself, and you’ll find no way out, as you can’t change anyone else. As an added bonus, you’ll irritate and alienate yourself from those closest to you, probably the best way to fast-track yourself to a miserable existence.

9. Compare yourself to everyone else.

The road to misery diverges a bit at this turn, and you will find yourself at an intersection in which you must choose one of two paths. You can either compare yourself and notice how much better other people are, how happier their lives are and how much more they have. Or, you can notice how much better you are – how you work harder and do more than anyone else, and feel resentful and jaded because of it. Don’t worry too much about whatever path you choose – either one will drag you down

8. Don't just be a victim, play the part.

No one else is going to feel sorry for you, so you better fill that void yourself. This remarkable ability will endear you to no one, but don’t worry – they’ll never let on, lest it give you one more thing to mope about. They’ll simply complain about you behind your back.

7. Be exceedingly impatient. RIGHT NOW!

There is no time like the present, unless it should have been five minutes ago, then the present is a feeble substitute. What you want is more important than anything else in the world, and you are entitled to have it NOW! A small dose of narcissism compliments impatience like a fine wine with gourmet cheese.

6. Narrow your perspective.

Assume that the way you see things is, categorically, how they truly are. Be wary, life has a sneaky way of introducing influential people and experiences into our lives who pose a risk of altering our perspective. The only inoculation to this contingency is to completely close your mind - full stop. Obstinacy will serve you well here.  

5. Forget the silver lining, silver really is just another shade of grey.

Notice everything that is wrong with you, your life, other people, even the world. Dwell on this continuously. This is an easy one, because the more you look for the negatives, the more you will find. In fact, the negatives will even start to find you.

4. Whenever you do attempt to tackle a problem, do it the same way each and every time.

If one approach doesn’t work the first time, it is bound to succeed the third, eighth, or twentieth time right? No, but that’s the point.  

3. Let everything bother you –

the big, the small, the bad, the ugly, the sweaty (um, you get the point). And tell everyone who’ll listen (or who don’t put their fingers in their ears) about it.

2. Try to control everything.

Exert your power in attempt to control every aspect of your life, and enforce your will upon other people whenever possible too. Try to control every possible outcome in your life. If you find this step impossible, then take your second best option – to dread, cripplingly, the unknown, and do your very best to protect yourself from ever getting hurt or disappointed. Never go with the flow; balk at change with every ebb and tide.

And last, but certainly not least, is the single most important step in ensuring a life filled to the brim with misery and desolation:

1. Incorporate the word “I” into as many spoken sentences and contemplated thoughts as possible.

This self-explanatory instruction is the simplest and most direct path to personal ruin.   

So now that you have reached the conclusion of my insights, I hope that you consider yourself an enlightened individual. It must be said that you need not follow each step in succession in order to achieve the demise of your personal happiness, nor must you complete each and every one. The beauty of this programme is such that it is written to be accessible by everyone, at any given point in time. Subscribing to even one or two of these simple instructions will see you down the road to misery with ease and effortlessness. I have introduced some of the main concepts that I believe will help heal you from your happiness, but the list is by no means exhaustive. If you have points to add, I certainly welcome your addendum!